The dark side of Autism.....

I debated for a while whether or not I wanted to write this post. But, I want to be open about every aspect of Autism, so here I go.....

The honeymoon is over, Tobey's meds at first seemed to almost "fix" him( I don't think he is broken, but I can't think of a different word). Tobey had language that we had never experienced, his activity level went down and he had no aggression. And then? I noticed less words, his activity level and elopement (escaping) increased and the aggression has returned.

The aggression is the hardest thing to deal with. Lately, he has been targeting me....I currently have 4 bruises on my arms to prove it. He has hit me in the back, kicked me and pinches and head butts. I would rather it be me than the other kids, so we are getting by. But last night he was so mad that he took it out on himself and that is the hardest thing to watch. He kept putting his hands around his own throat and scratching himself. It is one of the worst feelings in the world to see your child hurt themselves and you can't make him stop despite your best efforts. Last night I sat there with him and just put my head in my hands and wanted to cry. Eddie reminded me that I am doing him no good crying for him, but sometimes you can feel like there is nothing else to do.

I know that Autism is 2 steps forward and 1 step back. I hate that step back. I am not sure if it's worse to get to see the glory of having your child act "almost normal" and then have it taken away,or if it's worse to never get to see them reach those precious milestones at all.

I keep having people telling me that "He is in there....You will get it back". Which is sweet and probably the correct thing to say. But,with Autism that is not always the case.

Besides increasing his medication we have tried to figure out what is setting him off. He has aggression issues at school and at dinner time mainly. He has also started having seizures with no triggers. Triggers are a few things that are known to cause seizures (warm temps, being sick, stress,commotion).But a few nights ago he had 2 in his sleep,which scared the heck out of me! I am starting to think that Tobey may be sleeping with me until his twenties (sorry, honey). I was just starting to warm up to the idea of putting him in with Edwin.

So, here is the other news on the Holstein front....

Lena and Mac broke up...he is not in to long distance relationships (he lives on the other side of town).

Alison has a field trip to Chicago this week and is driving me nuts with it.

Edwin (along with Tobey and Alison) gets to start softball on Sunday!

Olivia has begun her gardening.

Tobey-his teacher is encouraging a haircut....she has sent home pictures of John Lennon with short hair and keeps joking that Tobey is saying "haircut". Nice try Mrs Hendricks....he MAY get a trim if we can get him sedated for the Barber.

Emily has her first eye Dr. appointment in the morning, she is so excited!

Melody has put on her Easter dress for 4 days in a row!

Eddie is the big news around here though! He got a HUGE promotion at work! No more over night shifts and no more working on the floor! He now has an office job starting Monday. No more crazy hours for him....I never thought the day would come when we both would have "normal" schedules! This means we can have more sleep and family time, which will be great.

Now, here is a little fact about Eddie and I. We have a very strong marriage, he is my best friend in the world. We have been through a lot and will be married 15 years in June. When Eddie has no sleep his personality which is always at a 10 (if you know him, you know what I am saying). When he has had sleep his personality goes to a 17!! Which I found out on vacation...I love this man with my whole heart, but now that he will have regular hours and sleep I am not sure how much Eddie I can take. I think we have a good marriage in part to being sleep deprived (maybe that is how we lasted so long!)

Well, I think that is all the news here....today I have my first meeting with the state and guardians which I am a nervous wreck about! It is very hard to sit across from the Mom's of the guys that I am responsible for and explain every ER visit, Dr. appointments...etc. So,I am off to try and make myself look like one of those responsible adults. Have a great day!