So, dear friends it has been a while. We have experienced sooo many changes, some good and some heartbreaking. Besides the kids switching schools, Eddie and I getting new jobs, moving to the country....the one that sticks in my mind is that my Dad died. That is still hard to type, he died on July 29th and it is not real. I have been through so much in my lifetime, and I don't get knocked down easy. But this one knocked me down, and it is still hard getting back up. I feel like that lady on the Medic Alert commercial that is laying on the floor claiming that she's fallen and she can't get up.
Ed and I kinda laugh at the commercial (I know that is so wrong of us) but the first thing we think is she doesn't look like she is even hurt really. She is not that old, she is on carpet, I don't see what tripped her and last but not least why in the world is the cameraman not helping the woman up?
In my case of not getting up there are moments it just seems impossible, like really wrong to get back up. Maybe it's because I am scared I am falling again....
I did not have the Father / Daughter relationship that my husband shares with my five girls. I had a relationship of fear and being totally controlled. In our family there was no traditions, or fun dance parties before bed. There was no laughter or family dinners. I think that is why that stuff is so important to me now. I want the kids childhood to be happier than mine.
With Dad dying there has been a lot of soul searching. But no matter how much I think about it, pray about it, talk about it...I can't get back up again.
I am not sure why...Is it because he is the last one? I now have no parents or grandparents. Is it because I miss something I didn't even have? A relationship that could have been so much better if he was not such a closed off person. Is it because, I was with him when he died after three days of waiting for him to pass and making decisions that no human should EVER have to make? Or maybe it's because I am having memories that I have blocked out for so long coming back at me when I am so vulnerable?
One thing I know for sure, is I am angry. I am angry at a dead man, and he doesn't care about that now. He has moved on and I am stuck here feeling all of these stupid emotions, that I just want to leave. I want to block them at and not think about them before I go to sleep, and wake up to the same thoughts. I want the days back when I immediately thought to check on Tobey Jude and smile when I think about the vacuum that he will inevitably have in bed with him. But no. I lay there and think about the horrible things my Dad did, the horrible things he said. The fact that he called off my wedding, or said terrible things about Tobey...the list goes on and on. Then I feel guilty, because he was my father and that is so wrong to feel that way about him and that is so wrong of me. And then I see flashbacks of him when he was in the hospital bed and seeing him scared for the first time in my life, or the moment when he realized he was blind and he was trying to see the Dr. helping him, or the moment that he was somewhat lucid before he passed and I feel like the most evil person on Earth for being angry.
So, that is where I am at right now...just stuck. The crazy thing about being stuck is the world keeps moving on regardless. The kids still want dinner ( needy little humans!) , holidays still happen, homework still needs to be turned in and those needy little people need help with it. And you learn to just go through the motions but not really connected. Does that even make sense? I am so ready to connect again, I am so ready to have that uncontrolled laughter that you end up crying and your nose is running and it's impossible to catch your breath so you can breathe? I so want that. Who knows, maybe writing this blog can help get rid of those bad feelings. I hope so.
See you soon....
No comments:
Post a Comment