This needs to be said.....

My heart is broken, maybe that is not even a good enough word. Shattered, that is a better word. And I think that is the only word that I can think of to describe of when I heard about yet another shooting. It is so senseless....

At school last week my kids were making those holiday crafts with their hand prints and glitter. And I know that while they are skillfully crafting their works of art all they are thinking of is Christmas is coming and Mom and Dad are going to LOVE this! And to think that they will never get to bring them home, and Santa isn't coming for them.....whew. So many lives, senseless....

After the incident in Colorado, Ed and I had several talks on how this happens. Anyone who does this kind of thing obviously suffers from some sort of mental illness.   As it turns out, the Connecticut shooter was no different.   This has caused Eddie and I to draw certain parallels in our life.

According to Fox news this guy had Autism, for one I generally don't listen to Fox, but when I hear Autism my ears perk up. I am NOT going to be that parent who says "Don't blame Autism" or "Don't label my child with that". 

You see, Edwin has a fascination with guns.   We were told years ago by a doctor to never let him have even a toy gun, because he would become obsessed.   That's what autistics do. So, we do not allow him to have a gun.  We have no games that have guns, and he has never seen a war movie or had a GI Joe doll.  (husband:  they are called action figures)  Then, one day at the park, some boys approached Edwin and asked if he wanted to play.

We were on seventh heaven!   He was socializing!   Five minutes later, here comes Edwin and the boys...they are playing war using their hands as guns.   He was hooked.  Then a  few years later he got a Nerf dart thing in his Easter basket.  It was as close to NOT being a gun as you can get.   He proceeded to wait in the car for hours so he could "shoot the thugs" with it. Red flag!   This was premeditation with intent.  

We threw it out that night.

As his parent we have done everything we can to keep him away from that stuff.  He talks to professionals.  He is medicated.  He loves Jesus. 

 And yet, when he is considered an adult, he can legally, and without our knowledge or permission, purchase a gun.   After all, it is his second amendment right. All of the care and work Eddie and I are doing to make sure he turns out as a participating member of society and he can still purchase a gun.  He is mentally challenged!   Even the government recognizes this!   But there is NOTHING preventing him from buying a gun.   Even if there was, apparently gun laws do not seem to apply at gun shows!  

Look,  I understand about people needing it for hunting or protecting their homes. Cops obviously need them to protect citizens, our soldiers use them in war. But why would Edwin need one? He doesn't. But he can get one. Senseless and scary.

I keep hearing people say "Guns don't kill people, People kill people".  Obviously I know that a gun sitting on a table is not going to get up and shoot me like that gun on the Rudolph special that shoots jelly. (I know...jelly)  But when a mentally ill person gets a hold of a gun, whether purchasing one or getting one from their parent's collection, there is less preventing them from going on a shooting rampage than you or me.   They do not have ANY impulse control.  As a parent of 3 kids with Autism, get me help now! Tell me whatever the heck I need to do so that this is not my child doing this.

Now, it is at this point that I would like to say there was more than mental illness involved in this tragedy.   There was definite evil here.  I am not providing this SOB with an excuse or a cop out.   What he did was, in every sense of the world, heinous.

But since people are more concerned with the fact that they have the "right" to own a gun and less with any sense of responsibility, especially when it pertains to special needs, we need to take different approach to this.

If you are going to allow Edwin to get a gun, because he has the "right" too, then you better let me know how I am supposed to keep an Adult Edwin from doing this to YOUR family. Because this kid, who thinks he is a spy can NOT control his impulses, he LIVES in a fantasy world at times still has to be told to eat,  or wear underwear. And why is he like that? Because he is messed up in the head! I don't allow him alone with my other kids or even to take the dogs out by himself because he is not capable. So don't give him a gun!!!!

Please understand...Edwin is a great kid.   He is not a murderer or a psychopath.   He shows no signs of violence or hatred.  He is, at times, a goofball.   But, if his siblings anger him, there is no thought, only reaction.  His impulse is to lash out and hit.   Now, take that impulse, add ten years and a loaded automatic rifle.   I think you see where I am going.

There are things that I will fight till the ends of the Earth for my kids, all my kids to have rights for. But not this...take that right away from them. Don't let me end up as that parent who  is forever living in regret because of my son shooting someone, or dead myself.

I would also add that (soapbox warning) that, as a country and a society, we throw around the words "freedom" and "rights" around entirely too much.   We almost never mention responsibility.   It is a tragedy what happened to the shooter's mother (dead by his hands), but she had a responsibility to recognize that he should NOT have had ANY access to guns, incidental or otherwise.  Unfortunately for her, she paid that price.

Now, for some advice:  If you are a parent that worries because your child shows signs of wanting to hurt people or talks incessantly about getting even or violence,  TELL SOMEONE!!!  Tell your doctor.   Tell his teachers.   Tell your pastor.   Swallow your pride and talk to SOMEONE...and for Heaven's sake,get the guns out of your home!  It takes a week to own a handgun.   It takes less than a second to pull a trigger.  

I once heard someone say if you are scared that you are in over your head than you are probably in over your head. Get some help, admit their is something wrong ( I know it's hard) but it is the right thing to do. For your child and everyone else.

I am the the mother of Edwin, a kid that could grow up and hurt someone. But, I am also a Mother who saw 3 girls that had 3 of my daughter's names scroll on that bottom of the screen on CNN and I don't ever want to see that again.

 

Saturday Mornings at the Holstein's....

Today at 5:30 I woke up to a monotone voice saying "Mother, can I play Poptropica on the computer". If you have not heard that monotone voice in person it is none other than Edwin with his proper terms (Mother), I told him yes but to stay quiet...everyone is sleeping. He then came back to me and asked if he could have 9 oranges. The first thing I asked is why in the world would you need 9 oranges? Are you making a cannon? Pretending your Santa and filling stockings? He simply stated he needed fresh squeezed orange juice. I told him that there is a gallon of OJ in the fridge and stay the heck away from the oranges...and of course to be quiet. After hearing that he opened the juice which was no small feat, he finally left me alone to doze off. Then I heard Melody come down the stairs screaming and I mean screaming why no one had got her up for breakfast! I told her it was only 6, she has missed nothing. She pointed out that Edwin already had juice...I told her to watch TV in her room. 10 minutes later I hear her screaming again because she can't find the remote and she HAS to see Dora. I realize that I have lost yet another Saturday of sleeping in and open my eyes to see a banana about 2 inches from my eyes. It was Tobey, staring at me wanting it opened. I am not sure how long that boy stood there with a banana in my face....it could have been 5 minutes. So after collecting myself and realizing that I was not about to be killed with a banana, I turned on the living room TV while Tobey ate. I told Eddie I was way out numbered and it was time for him to get up.

Now Eddie stayed up late watching some Batman movie, and because he doesn't think ahead (I love the man though) he is cranky after having 5 hours of sleep. He goes in and starts cinnamon rolls for breakfast, and guess who comes down? Melody wanting to know why Tobey is eating a banana and she hasn't been told. Edwin then comes in the living room doing jumping jacks and asked Eddie if he knows Major Xavier (Edwin is a spy in his mind) Eddie says no that he doesn't know him. Edwin says that Major Xavier hates him.

Back to Melody who thinks she is getting the raw end of the deal as far as breakfast goes in the pantry and grabs a back of Ritz crackers and brings them in the dining room. Edwin and Olivia then get in a fight with Melody because she is eating way too many crackers. Now mind you, the smell of cinnamon is wafting through the house...breakfast is coming. I break up the fight only to see that Melody only has 3 crackers in her hand...she is not eating the whole box! No idea why there is even a fight.

Emily then feels the need to be a commentator and tells me that Melody is over the cracker incident and then like a miracle a Christmas special comes on and the whole house goes quiet! They are eating and watching Dr. Seuss...life is good! Eddie has dozed off with 3 kids sitting on him and it is my Norman Rockwell moment.

Until, the teenager (Lena) who has somehow slept through this morning finds out that all the cinnamon rolls are gone and then it will be WW III!

So it is 9:17 and that my friends is Saturday morning with the Holstein's. I want to go back to bed!

What was that?

Today in what seemed like endless appointments, I sat in a Dr. office and while wrangling Mr. Tobey Jude and flat out asked about what is the outcome with a kid like Tobey. She looked right in the eye and said "residential care". And I cried. I cried because I know in my heart that could be that precious boys' future, I cried because I hate hearing negative things about my child, I cried because there are days with him that I don't know how I will take care of him when he is taller and stronger than me.

The Dr. then cried (in the same office that I have cried with Dr. Bardwell) because she has a 29 year old daughter at home and that is now her life. And she cried while telling me that she has to tell her friends that she can't go places because she has to be with her. And while some people talk about retiring with her spouses and travelling, she is home being a caregiver. And  how her idea of retiring is so different from her peers. And she explained to me how Tobey could go either way...able to be taken care of at home or going in a "home". She has no crystal ball to let me know how he will turn out as an adult. But, if he keeps going down this path then we simply will not be able to care for him no matter how much we want too.

She told me that we are doing everything right with him, but that is no consolation when you feel like you have failed. I hear those stories about how God gave you this child because you are the "chosen parent", he thought you were "special" enough to handle a life with a child like Tobey. And part of me wants to believe that. But if that is true about God thinking Ed and I are up to the challenge, then why are we having to look into someone else caring for him when he is older?

I have referrals in for genetic therapy, special Dr's , have tried new drugs, prayed daily, given up sleep, drove to hundreds of therapies, fought teachers, given up time with 6 other kids, put a marriage on the back burner, lost friends....the list goes on and on. The first thing I think of when I wake is Tobey, he is my last thought before I sleep. When he goes to school he takes my heart with him, but I breathe because I need a break from the worry.

There are things that I know we have lost because of Autism, going to the movies or anything like that as a family, owning a home is a long way off because of medical debt, me working a full time job is not in the cards. But the thing that kills me the most that I have lost to Autism is Tobey Jude, and I know that is not what a special needs parent should say. I know that we are supposed to thank God for having them, and I do. I do thank God for Tobey. But I am not thankful for Autism today. I hate Autism today, because I want him normal. Dear God, I want him normal, and as a Christian I serve a God who is powerful enough to cure him but I live daily knowing that this is Tobey. He is who he is....there is no fixing this. There are times still that I think about what he would be like. At this age he would be telling me that girls are yucky and bugging me about how many Christmas presents he is getting.

I want to put it out there that I am not looking for pity, but I used to have this blog as a way to let people know what life is like with him, and lately it has been an update of the Holstein's. The updates are a lot easier to write, no tears are shed with those. But to show what a day in the life of the Holstein home really is I need to let you in and see it.

So, after the appointment I came home and got Eddie and had him drive Tobey back to school. We talked about what the future holds for the little dude, picked up 2 more kids for appointments, went to the IEP, Eddie went to work. I picked up the rest of the kids from their thousands of activities, fed them and did the Gangham dance. Medicated the crew and sent them to bed. And tonight I will head to bed and I will pray for him with his upcoming EKG....and then do it all again tomorrow. Because that is what you have to do as one of those "Special Parents", you suck it up, stop crying and get through another day.

Wassup?

Hello blogging world! How is it going? Me? We have actually had a pretty boring week compared to last week, at least.

So if you haven't heard Miss Alison is on crutches. She was at school and was playing dodge ball and felt a pop in her knee and went down. She has also hurt her other knee in the past 4 months playing dodge ball at the Boys and Girls Club. I think for her personal safety she needs to stop playing dodge ball for heaven's sakes! Anyway, we find out tomorrow if she is going to need surgery since she did more damage this time than last. Yesterday I was picking her up and I watched her walking on crutches on the sidewalk and then look the other way, almost falling off the curb. And then I realize that we are lucky she has only been on crutches once. She is the most accident prone child we have...yes she was the same one that gave herself a concussion at school because she she sneezed so hard that she hit her head on the table at lunch time.

Miss Melody hit her head at school and it was looking scary for a few days but she is now back to her weird self again...now that I think of it she is a LOT like Alison was. Lord help me, we only need one Alison around here.

So the rest of this week we are going to 4 Dr. appointments, 2 therapies, 2 IEPS.....nice. And this is why I Melissa Holstein can simply not work at a factory job.

I put in a good effort with that factory job, I even enjoyed parts of it. But getting up at 5am for this mama of 7 is not in the cards. And doing manual labor and then picking up kids from activities, helping them with homework, feeding them and then putting them to bed without wanting to cry from pure exhaustion is more than I can handle. After the holidays I will try a different job route, like an aid in the classroom or something. But NO MORE factory jobs. I still have varnish on my arms making me look like an abused wife...

We have had a good week with Tobey, I would like to think it is because he is with me. But, probably not. He is loving Christmas and every time he sees a tree or lights he sings a song and then claps for himself. How darling is that?

Edwin has been fun lately, I took him to get his haircut on Saturday. He hated going but now thinks he looks like Kevin off of Home Alone. Not really dude. But he is happy to brush his own hair every morning, so I will call him Kevin if he wants to take care of his own hair. Whatever it takes.

We got a real tree again this year, probably a huge mistake. Last year we are lucky the tree didn't go up in flames. It 9 feet tall and extremely wide and it still has ornaments from about 3 feet up, or about as high as the kitten can climb before getting yelled at. I know Christmas is in 20 days but I am just not feeling it much this year. Maybe it's because my husband wore shorts and flip flops outside? We will just blame it on the weather, like everything else is. The weather and Obama...no one else to blame for anything in the world. Haha. Just want to take a second to point out that I, Melissa Holstein blame Obama for nothing, I have not become a Republican overnight. Sorry Sarah.

Going over the last paragraph I just realized that I sounded like Linus from the Peanut's Christmas special, maybe I should watch it to put me in the holiday spirit.

I love Peanut's! So I think that is all for me....now I need to get things done like water the tree and become Martha Stewart. Talk to ya later!