March 30th....

22 years ago today I woke up to the phone ringing at my Grandma's house...it was Plymouth hospital telling us that my Mom had died. At the age of 12 my life changed forever...I was the kid who was introduced as the little girl who's Mom had died, I was the kid who felt the weight of the world on her shoulders being the female of the house....I was the kid who had to grow up on March 30th, 1989. 10 years ago today I was in a hospital room ready to give birth to our first son....which I did drug free for some insane reason. Edwin Jesse came into the world at his pace before the Dr. showed up and has been doing things at his own pace ever since. And Edwin did a miraculous thing that day and managed to change "the date" for me and our family. Today Edwin woke up and looked at me and said "I am 10!" I wanted to tell him "Yep, but we are going to Disney in 2 days and you are full price...so can you be 9 for a few more days?". But, I smiled and hugged him (for 2 seconds because he can't stand hugs) and then he went off to play with his Mighty Beans and Hex bugs. Today I am the mother of Edwin and not the motherless child... the weight of the world on my shoulders, but I can handle it. Edwin has an IEP meeting today which I can't go to, and that is driving me nuts! Ever since I started working I have had to give over some of the control to Eddie and honestly even though he is doing a great job, I don't like losing control of things. Probably because I lost control 22 years ago of things and now it makes me uncomfortable. Wow, full circle moment there. Oprah would be so proud. So, instead of hashing out issues with teachers I get to take testing for the state for my new job....fun. I spent an hour this morning studying meds, my mind is ready to explode. I did so great on my testing yesterday that I was asked why I am not in Nursing School. I thought about it this morning. And then I tried to study for an hour...I had to let the dog out, clean 2 runny noses, change a diaper, clean up chocolate milk, change the channel twice, and tell Edwin that I am not an alien. So, yeah going back to school may not be an option. So, here is my list of things you may like to know about my 10 year old...

• Edwin's all time favorite food is Mac and Cheese


• His favorite Disney character is Mickey


• He now has over 70 Mighty Beans


• His favorite color is blue


• His favorite show is Adventure Time


• He got into Nair when he was 3 and still has a bald spot on his head


• He thinks he looks like Justin Beiber


• He does not see the point of wearing underwear


• He loves Chocolate, that's my boy!


• He has a crush on his teacher, and tells everyone at school


• He is a very good artist


• He is now the last of the kids to go to sleep in the house, and easiest to wake up.

Well, I am off to attempt to study now that Melody and Emily have decided to watch TV....Happy Birthday Edwin Jesse...we love you more than you will ever know. And even though I may never hear you say that back to me...the fact that you haven't killed us yet speaks volumes!

Has your life been centered around Christ this week?

At our Church we have an open communion every week...sometimes someone will get up and tell some of their story how God has performed miracles in their lives, sometimes they will show their humorous side (Eddie), once they had the big screen up front "talk" to us ( I really liked that one). But, this week Kelly (Sam's wife) asked if we had Christ at the center of our life. It gave me chills. Last week I worked an insane amount of hours, packed for vacation, talked to teachers, had 3 meetings, volunteered in Kids Kanyon, made dinner, made 150 healthy snack bags, did laundry, had a lunch date with a friend, had breakfast out with the hubby, talked to Tobey, went clothes shopping, watched a movie, took Olivia to the Dr, called my Dad, balanced the checkbook, sent out a ton of emails, made plans for my new promotion, the list goes on and on. But, I am ashamed to admit I did not open my Bible one time.... I prayed with the kids, I thank God every time I hear a precious sound come out of Tobey's mouth, I volunteered at Church, I worked with the kids, I folded bulletins. But, Christ was certainly not the center. I could give you a thousand excuses of why, but none of them are truly good. So, I decided that I can and will do better...I take care of 2 guys on Sunday evenings. So, this week I took them to my Church, I want to share the love of my Church with them. When I tuck one of the guys in at night I am going to pray with him. I bought a study guide a month ago, and yesterday I finally got around to opening it. And on Thursday Eddie and I going to discuss some better ways to not only bring Christ in our lives more, but to concentrate on other things less. I wish I knew how life gets away from you at times...when do you get so busy that you lose your priorities? There has been so many times that my Church has been there for us and helped set my family on the right track....they have done it again. Thank you Kelly.

The Working Mama....

Well, we got through yet another weekend. And thank God I was able to scale back some hours this week so I actually have time to now breathe and pack for vacation!!!! This whole working Mom thing is hard. You never feel like you are doing enough for everybody. You are never 100% for everyone...if you are at work you are thinking about the kids, if you are at home you are thinking about work. Sometimes when people hear that I have a large family, they are surprised that I work...sometimes I feel like I have something to prove...that yes, I can do it all!!! But, the truth is there are days that it takes all I can to just get out of bed. Especially Mondays, they are the worst. Well enough about that.... the kids are doing great. Lena the now 14 year old is very excited about going on vacation, Alison is doing well but still struggling with making friends, Edwin will be 10 tomorrow, Olivia is doing great intestine wise...if you know what I am saying. Tobey is my still talking dude, he even talked to me on the phone the other day! Emily and Melody are currently curled up with their Dad watching cartoons. Eddie and I had a "winning" week (that will be my one and only Charlie Sheen reference, your welcome). Eddie won a caption contest on the Funny or Die website and got some Will Ferrell shirt and I won a Nintendo DSI from a girl scout raffle! How cool is that? I didn't tell the kids about the DSI, they will find it in the box that I made for vacation with all the puzzles, games and coloring stuff. So, that is all today! I hope you have a good one!

Miss Olivia's Dr. appointment.....

Yesterday we took Olivia to her first appointment with the new Pediatrician. I am still loving this Dr. and I love her approach of getting right into issues and not just waiting and seeing how things may or may not work out.

Olivia as I have admitted several times has been put on the back burner with her issues, I am not proud of it....but I am human and I can only handle a few major events at a time. Generally, Edwin and Tobey fill up our lives with those major events. Anyway, Edwin and Tobey are in a good place and we figured we could finally help out Olivia with her issues and get her "officially diagnosed".

So, here is a little bit of a back story on Miss Olivia, Olivia used to be the most confident and outgoing child we had. If you know Emily, she was just like her. And then 2008 happened and we "lost" her. As a family with all the trauma that we went through we have defiantly come out as better people. But, Olivia did not....slowly she has become a weaker, less confident child who developed real issues.

Medically, Olivia has had intestinal blockage problems and has been in pull ups and had "accidents" for a while. Eddie and I have tried charts, bribing and even avoided some situations with this. Is it denial? Yep, probably I still have a problem admitting there is something wrong with my kids, as insane as I know that may sound with the boys. She may also have ADHD, Anxiety and to top it off some real sensory issues.

I feel better knowing what is wrong, that it is not our parenting. But, there is a huge part of my heart that just does not want to go down this road again. It is heartbreaking to think that 4 out of 7 kids has special needs. (Alison, has ADHD and sensory problems....become a non-issue anymore). I want to look at this with a light heart and say that Eddie and I are obviously a good combo for making unique children....just not there quite yet.

When I got to the appointment they gave me the forms to fill out for Asperger's (horrible name), which is the higher form of Autism (Temple Grandin has that one). With how much I deal with Autism you would think that I would not bat an eye with these forms, that I would be comfortable with yet another Autistic. Believe it or not, I panicked! I went back to that place of denial and part of me wanted to run out of that office...I was not prepared to hear "Your child as Autism" again as crazy as that may sound.

So, Miss Olivia has a long road ahead of her...first off the intestinal issue. She had X-rays yesterday to see how much of a blockage their is, she is on meds for it twice a day. There is a chance that part of her intestines may not regenerate and she may need surgery....right now we re not going to worry about that yet. We are going to concentrate on helping her with confidence and get the other problems officially diagnosed in the next few weeks.

And that is life at the Holstein's.....

Today, I am going to start my new duties as a house manager, so that will be fun. But, first I am off to the store to get a professional looking outfit and the stuff to make yet another chart for Olivia. I hope you have a great day and enjoy the snow! How freaking crazy is that? I am just sick of that stuff!

Miss Lena Elaine Holstein

Well, it's official...I am old. I now have a 14 year old in my house and she is mine. The first thing I think of with a 14 year old, besides the fact that I am getting super old is in 2 years she will be driving, in 4 years she will be leaving the house, and in 6 years she will be the age I was when I had her. Time goes too quick, she is growing up to fast.

If you have read this blog for any length of time you know that even though I love that girl to death, we have our issues. If I go into the deep seeded reasons why, I think the biggest part is because of me. I was motherless when I was her age and it is hard not to have that reference to go back to. I never learned from my Mom how to do makeup. or had that talk with her about what that first kiss is like.

So, here I am trying to raise a 14 year old girl and I am learning right along with her. The oldest child is always the guinea pig of the group and believe me, we have made our mistakes.

There are things about her that I am insanely proud of. She has a lot more responsibility that your average 14 year old, and I wish that I could take that away from her. I wanted my kids to have the childhood I lost. ( I know I am sounding like Michael Jackson right now, sorry) But, dealing with the life of Autism that is nearly impossible.

So, here we go with the list of things that you may not know about Lena Holstein

• She loves those Fred videos on You Tube...
• Her favorite color combo is black. white and blue- green
• Her favorite dinner is anything that reminds her of Thanksgiving
• She has been drinking coffee for 2 years...1 of my many mistakes...it did NOT stunt her growth however.
• She does not believe in Capital Punishment....she thinks everyone can be "fixed"
• She is super artistic, we have been told from several sources that she should do it for a living....she however is not interested.
• She is currently digging Bruno Mars and the Beatles
• Her feet are bigger than mine
• She does NOT know how to work a can opener...that one worries me a little
• She is Tobey's biggest fan but I believe she would sell Edwin for a TV in her room.

So Happy Birthday Lena, thank you for being my daughter and I look so forward to you becoming one of my best friends as you get older. With you bean pot I have learned so much and still learning. You, my first born are one of the most creative and sensitive people I know and I love you from the bottom of my heart. Now, about your room.......

Hey look 3 days in a row

I figure that since I have been using you for free therapy lately, I will do a more light hearted post today.

I ended up having yesterday off so we decided to just try and have a fun and relaxing day with the kids before I start my marathon weekend shift.

After sending the Holstein 5 to school I went to Dainty Maid and got some treats for St. Patrick's Day. Usually I make Brisket for St. Patrick's Day....but after going through all the prep on Wednesday we decided to eat that a day early. So, I ended up making tater tot casserole and this salad that tastes like summer. It has fresh tomatoes, mozzarella cheese, fresh basil and olive oil....worlds simplest side dish and the kids go nuts for it. While I made dinner Eddie actually watched TV with the kids and Lena helped me in the kitchen. After dinner we took the kids and the dog to the park to enjoy the weather and that was the whole day. It was awesome!

I had no idea that our lives would get so busy....when I went back to work we were planning on 20 hours a week. It has turned into a lot more. And Eddie's hours have also picked up lately...in fact this weekend is the last days that he will have off until we leave for vacation. The crazy part is we keep thinking we can take on more....like, starting new chores for the kids, or going to Young Authors conferences with Olivia, or dreaded med changes with Edwin.

As a parent have you ever noticed how punishing your kids turns into torture for you? Lena and Alison are grounded from computer and phone this week. So, whatever free time I have seems to be turning into helping them to not die from boredom.

Monday we are having a little party for Lena for her 14th birthday. Hard to believe that she is that old already. Last year, we found out about the lead the day before her birthday and she got passed over because we were in a state of sheer panic. This year I am in hopes that Tobey won't come down with yet another poisoning of any sort and we can celebrate her. She wants a PSP, that is not going to happen. So, I am thinking a stereo and some Cd's and maybe an outfit. The kid is going to Disney in 2 weeks, she will have to learn how to swallow her sorrow of no PSP while she is hugging Mickey.

Edwin's birthday is going to be super easy...he wants Mighty Beans and Mighty Beans accessories. And some Hex bugs if we really love him....his words not mine.

Since I have 2 sons with Autism, I have decided that I must be an expert on Autism...

Disclaimer- I am not really an expert, in fact the more I find out, I realize how stupid I really am when it comes to this disorder. This is meant to be fun, so don't get offended. If you are offended do NOT leave a comment that you are mad at me because I may start crying and then we are back to depressing posts again, and you don't want that right?

Signs that your child may have the 'Tism

• He has an obsession with Mighty Beans or Hex bugs and watches You Tube videos about them daily
• He can find a fan anywhere you go
• He explains to you in detail that he would like to kill you because you won't let him have soda for breakfast
• They are a big fan of Mac and Cheese and chicken nuggets
• They interview the fish in the fish tank asking them if they have seen the new square Mighty Beans
• They do headbanging and Celine Dion is on
• They can fix your computer in 2 minutes flat
• They think Target is an evil place because they use to much red
• They start spinning everything they can...Poor Tiger
• You feel like you got a full nights sleep on 3 hours
• Speaking of sleep if I see one more person on Facebook say that they are tired and need a nap, I may just lose it. (not a sign of Autism, just a warning for you all)
• They see nothing wrong with going commando to school, or talking about bodily issues with anyone who will listen
• If you go to your child's school and they look at you with sympathy, you may want to look into testing

I hope you have a great day and I am off to go and start the killer shifts....see you next week.

Edwin and Tobey Jude....

For some reason, I tend to raise the 2 boys totally differently. I know what you are thinking...they are different kids and they should be raised differently.

But, I tend to push Edwin to not use Autism as an excuse and then for Tobey I tend to let Autism be his excuse. With Edwin I had no doubt in my mind that come Hell or high water the boy was going to get a diploma no matter what the cost. I didn't care how many hours it took for homework to get done, he in my mind was going to defy the odds that we were told and he was going to get that Diploma and be my (notice how I said "my" not "his own" success story).

But then his suspension got me thinking that maybe I had made this epic mistake and maybe I needed to start laying off of him. Thinking in the long term does he "need" the diploma? Do, I realistically see him going to college and going on to working some high powered job? Or do I see him working at Logan and living off Disability? Do I see him in a "home" like I work in or do I see him going on to that "normal" life of the wife and kids and the 9 to 5 job? And am I even qualified enough to make this huge decision for him? This is one of those times that I wish I had someone of tremendous knowledge to write out the boys futures for me. this magical chart that would tell me the absolute right decision for them without my own selfish ideas.

I considered pulling him out of regular class, and putting him in Lifeskills like Tobey. It is not an easy decision because he is an honors student. But in order for him to be an honors student it is taking a village to educate him, hours of meetings, hours of homework, and stress on an already stressed out family. But, in the back of my mind I (notice that "I" again) want him to have that story of how we were told that he may not graduate and that with family support he defied those odds and is now this world famous scientist. And I sit there at his Noble Peace prize ceremony, tears in my eyes and getting that standing ovation for pushing the heck out of him. I went off on a tangent there.....

I am different with Tobey Jude....not really sure why. It may be that I feel sorry for him (just being honest), maybe I treat him differently because of everything I went through to have him. Or the fact that he has other health problems and that he is so little for his age. But whatever the reason I treat him with kid gloves and don't push him to be his best self. And that is doing him no favors.

It was so hard to put him in Lifeskills, now I couldn't see another path for him. And since we have made the decision for him to not get that precious diploma his future is laid out for him. He will defiantly live in a "home" or with Eddie and I for the rest of his life. He will work at Logan and have to live within the confines of what the government thinks he should live on.

The other kids also have their path laid out for them, they will graduate and go on to have those "normal" lives of school/families/careers.... Our dear Edwin is an enigma, and will be 10 years old in 13 days with his future totally up to us.

So, we are going to sit in an IEP meeting next week on his 10th birthday and discuss all of this for hours. The school is not pushing for Lifeskills in any way, that is me and Eddie who have considered it. But, they also don't know our life and the struggle that it is at times to make him do his work, or the bribing that it takes or that every time the phone rings I have to look at the caller ID and hope that it isn't South Bend Schools calling to tell me that he needs brought home. But, do I just stop doing all that because it is easier for us? Ahhh, the dilemma that is life.

So thanks for letting me vent, and by the way I blogged 2 days in a row now people....just saying.

Eddie sent me an email last night pointing out to me in the kindest (sarcasm) of ways that I failed to mention him in the last blog. So, here you are Eddie a section devoted just to you....

My Dearest Eddie, did you ever know that your my hero? Just kidding....Big guy, I have had a rough week and you my bestest of friends have made me laugh, gave me a nap yesterday, brought me home a plant that I should be able to keep alive, gave me a card and listened to my every complaint and gave me your shoulder to cry on. You didn't try to fix anything you just were there, like you have been for over 15 years. You have been my greatest support and the one person who always "gets" me and I thank you for sticking with me when I had the insane idea that I can do it all.

Also, that shirt you bought me the other day (the revealing one) was cute enough that a 24 year old asked me for my number and that gave me the biggest ego boost...granted he doesn't get out much and had Autism, but I am going to enjoy the compliment none the less...love ya big guy!

Things have been a little rough lately....

I am not sure if it is the stress of 7 kids, or the job or just simply life....but I am not doing well with all the juggling.

I feel pulled in a thousand directions and I seem to be failing at all of them lately, or at least I feel that way sometimes.

I LOVE my job, I feel like this is supposed to be what I am called to do. I have a natural way with special needs...Even before I was blessed to have Edwin and Tobey in my life, i have always been drawn to special needs. My Grandmother was one of my most favorite people in the world. I worked at a nursing home all through High school and I started a special needs gym class in my sophomore year of High school. I feel like I am good at my job, when I come back from vacation I will be starting training on a huge promotion and I am so excited about that.

But, there are things I struggle with. For one, I treat my people that I take care of the same way I want someone to treat my sons. I do things with them like teach them how to make cookies, and pray with them and tuck them in at night. One of my favorite things is playing hide and seek with one of the guys or throwing snowballs with him. But, it comes with a price. For one, sometimes the family don't want their family member to get attached to the staff and can actually take it as threat. Which to mean just seems insane, I want that for my sons...I want them to be loved by the people who spend their lives with them, in fact I am pretty sure that I will demand it. When you spend 8- 16 hours a day with people in their home, in my mind you better know them inside and out, and you better love them so you can help and encourage them to live the best life that they can possibly have.

I am new at this, and I need to almost tone back my personality with some of them. One keeps calling me weird, and if you knew her medical background...you would see the irony my friends.

Ok, so on to other things beside the job....

Lena's new man is tying up our phone lines for 2 hours a night. I am still trying to figure out the "normal" way to handle this new boy who is of such importance to my eldest....Do we welcome him into the family? Or do we try and come across as scary so he will never touch her? Or how about weird so he wants nothing to do with the family? Or be so super nice that he wants to be our best friend? I am not sure how to handle this one....

Alison has a new crush....he is older than Eddie, a little weird. So, we have been having several talks with her lately about how you can't date someone who may actually be older that your Grandma Holstein.

Edwin gave himself a tattoo tonight, it says "Call me a freak", I am not sure what to say about this one....the boy continues to amaze and yet scare me. I am starting to think there may not be enough therapy in the world....but, I am rarely bored with him.

I cut Olivia's hair tonight, it looks cute. I have decided that she is not allowed to grow it out until she is 18 and living on her own. It was getting to the point that I was dreading the mornings because of the ritual that is brushing Olivia's hair.

Tobey is still talking away, I love seeing him name everything. In the past, if the boy said "cookie" , he got a cookie. But, now he can say several snacks and I believe that he is getting too much sugar. So, we need to figure that one out.

Emily has been under the weather, she thinks because she is sick that she gets total control over the big living room TV, I now have the theme song from the movie "Coraline" running through my head.

Melody got a Dora hat today. The kid is a huge fan! Every time she talks to me on the phone, Dora is mentioned 2 minutes into the conversation. Lena used to watch that show when she was Melody's age....now she will be 14 in 4 days, it goes too quick.

This Sunday will be the final episode of one of my favorite shows of all time, Big Love. I am in a slight state of depression. It's a great show...what will I watch On Demand on Monday morning? Will I keep HBO? Is Bill going to jail? How long am I going to keep writing everything in question form? I am not sure my friends....I just hope that Cody Lundin can come on with some new episodes on Discovery so I can make it through the week.

So, that is all today...I am not going to give a promise of when I will blog again...the last time I did the kids manged to break the keyboard AND the mouse. I worry now they may take the computer as their next victim. So, until we "meet" again...have a good day!

Blogging....

I seem to have become an epic fail at blogging lately,I apologize. I will try and get better.

My new job, though I love it has been more hours than I ever expected. And things at home never pause just because you are putting in extra hours. So, here is the update on my offspring.

Lena is going on her first date tomorrow with Mac the boy that she met at the dance a couple of weeks ago. I think she is more excited about the actual movie than the boy...which is fine by me. His Dad is going to pick her up in the morning and then sit behind them at the movies. They talk every night and send each other drawings by Facebook. Cute?Yes....Scary? Heck yes! And makes me feel old.

Alison is now totally recovered from being so sick and back to her odd self. She is doing great with her new chores and is busy creating comics for hours at a time.

Edwin is doing better at becoming more independent...it took a month of work but he is now totally getting himself ready for school. Now for the other 6...well, 7if you include Eddie.

Olivia is getting very excited about her upcoming Dr. appointment. She is the only kid I know of that loves going to the Dr, any Dr. Olivia has some health issues that we are dealing with, which I will go into further detail about on another blog.

Tobey Jude....he is still talking away. Every morning I wake up and the first thing I do is to see if he has lost any language, every night I go to sleep praying that it stays. He has got some aggression back, but it is controllable.

Emily is her usual self....she is a smart little bugger.The other day she found a stick in the shape of a "Y" and said "Look,it's a dousing rod.".Wow.

Melody is her odd self, the kid is simply insane at times. For example, while her Dad was asleep this morning, she put a diaper on his head. I should have taken a picture.

The fish are all still alive.Despite Tobey's best efforts they have manged to make it.

This weekend I work massive hours so Eddie will be solo with the kids...he does have the weekend off finally so hopefully he comes out ok.He is also going to be in a skit at Church so he is pretty hyped about that! So,that is all today....I will see you Monday,I promise!

Busy, Busy....

I am feeling like a chicken with it's head cut off.....but we are getting through it.

Tobey is still having lot's of language, and to say that it is a joy is an understatement, there are no words to describe it. I just sit there and listen to those words come out of his mouth and I want to jump up and down! I am realistic....I know that he will probably never have a full vocabulary. That's ok, I am happy with where he is. It seems like a miracle to hear 7 little voices instead of 6. He has also stopped scratching himself,which is great.....I will never understand the thinking behind self-harming.

Vacation can not come soon enough!!!! Man, we are dragging here! Eddie seems to be putting in more hours than ever,and I am too!

The fish are still alive...ALL of them. I am impressed, we must have some pretty strong willed fish.

Alison is back 100%, and doing great. She is glad to be back in school, just not thrilled about ISTEP.

Lena officially got asked out on a date last night from a boy that she met at her dance she went to a couple of weeks ago. I think we are going to do a supervised date at the mall. I am not so sure about this whole dating thing yet....I know that she will be 14 this month, but I still see her as a 7 year old at times.

Today we are going shopping and taking Melody and Emily out to eat at our new favorite restaurant. I went out yesterday for a lunch date and Emily gave me a hard time. So, it is their turn today.

I don't think we have Edwin on the right meds,we need to wait another week before switching him again. But,now he isn't sleeping and I have seen no difference in his aggressive behavior. So,one more week and then onto another med change.

Olivia has planned a family game night for us on Friday. I am happy about that one...easy. Next week though I think she is going to have a craft involving glitter, not really looking forward to that one.

Last Saturday I went with one of my guys to a Catholic Mass. I don't want to offend anyone on here....But I was bored out of my mind. I was literally to the point of tears. My guy enjoyed himself, which is all that really matters...but next time I go, I will take a book. I was in shock that it was only an hour.

Sorry, it is such a choppy blog...I only had 5 minutes before I have to get Edwin ready. Have a good day!